Mom is Losing It and I Don’t Know What to Do!

Sunday is Mother’s Day. A day to celebrate the woman who birthed us, raised us, taught us, loved us and remains a significant influence in our lives. Throughout the country, on Sunday, Baby Boomers will flock to their mothers. And, on Monday, the phones of home health agencies, assisted living providers and doctors will start ringing. The boomers will be scared at what they saw on Mother’s Day. They will be worried. They will want to get things under control.

Sunday’s visit to Mother may reveal changes. Mom always kept an immaculate home – what is this mess? Mom was never argumentative – why can’t I can’t get her to see the problem? Mom just told me the same story four times. Mom has lost a huge amount of weight. Mom’s refrigerator is full of spoiled food.

Experts say, with people living longer than ever, the boomers are the first generation that might care for their parents as long as they cared for their children. And there is a huge difference between caring for children and caring for adults. Children view their parents as an authority figure and are willing to defer to the parent’s judgement (ok, not always, but generally). Parents on the other hand view themselves as the authority figure and view the child’s concern as meddling.

Jeepers Creepers! What a dilemma! Your Mom needs help. But she doesn’t see it, want to admit it, or accept it. You see it, don’t want to admit it and out of respect, don’t want to force her acceptance. What the heck?!!! This stinks! You love your Mom and this is not the relationship you signed up for…

Take a deep breath. Your Mom is normal (well, in her response to your meddling anyway). YOU are normal in wanting to fix the situation. So what do you do after that troublesome Mother’s Day visit? Three first steps…

1. Don’t immediately choose a new living arrangement. I love Joan Lunden’s advice after she first moved her Mom into an inappropriate setting. Her mother didn’t want to spend time with other residents, nor was she capable of living on her own. “She needed more hands-on, day-to-day care,” Lunden said. “I didn’t understand that because I wasn’t living with her.”  The answer for Joan’s Mom may not be the answer for your Mom. But if you rush to a solution, you just might end up in the same place. Joan’s Mom’s new home “On paper, was spectacular, but it didn’t serve her needs at all,” Lunden said. “She was completely stressed out and her emotional situation was deteriorating because she didn’t feel safe… she couldn’t operate on her own on a daily basis.” It took several falls, a few broken bones and three more moves to find the right place. She now shares a ranch-style home with four others in a small residential care facility. There’s a health care aide on site at all times to help her get dressed or take care of daily needs.
2. You are not in control. Have a conversation with Mom that is respectful and curious. After all, she is your Mom. Does she have any concerns? If she were to change her living circumstances, what would she consider important? Does she lack for anything? What does she want more of? What does she want less of? Let go of control and let her guide the way. Again, I quote Joan Lunden who has been through this:“I didn’t have the answers when I found myself urgently searching for a new residence for my mother. Rather than digging through piles of books and magazines looking for my mother’s license I should have been talking to her about what she wanted in a new home.”
3. Get professional advice. You only have one Mom. And you only start to think about the options when your Mom begins to need help. But there are many professionals who deal with problems like you are experiencing on a daily basis.”It’s a process and you need to become educated about what the options are [because] the first step is not likely to be the last step,” said Carol Kalmanoff, an adviser with the referral service, “A Place for Mom”. Options range from independent living communities to personal care homes to facilities for memory and dementia care. When moving is not necessary or financially feasible, a variety of home-based options exist. Simple home modifications, like grab guards in the bathroom, can make a big contribution toward independent living. Virtual monitoring systems can also be used to transmit information such as blood pressure to caregivers living in other states or health care providers.

The Mother’s Day visit may reveal that your Mom needs help. Unlike you, many people only take action during a medical emergency, and often, they don’t know the extent of what they’re dealing with. You’ve got a leg up. Take a deep breath. Relax. Honor your Mom. And have the conversation from HER perspective. The conversation starts when you let go of your answers and get curious about her thoughts. From that point, the plan begins.

Selecting an Assisted Living Community

Is it a bad thing when what you expected is not what you get? Is an irregularity always a problem? Is an imperfection always a negative?

My expensive and beautiful Indian silk scarf came with the attached disclaimer. “The weaving irregularities and shade variations are characteristics of homespun fabric which enhance the beauty and are in no way to be taken as fabric defects.”

What do you make of that? Think about it. Isn’t that the essence of life? To know beauty we have to have seen ugly. We need the bad times to accentuate and appreciate the good times. The hard times challenge us to work harder. And the good times make us want more of the same. Discontent can be a driving force for change, for improvement, for making life better. Irregularities and shade variations are in no way to be taken as defects….

When the time comes that you search for an assisted living community, I encourage you to keep this in mind. Look for an organization that encourages you to Live Your Life. Search for care with the finest ingredients. Gobs of respect. A sprinkle of hope. Large portions of love. A big dose of fun. The final recipe should be adapted to you. Which means there may be slight imperfections on occasion. Because that is how life goes. In fact, that just may be how life is lived to its fullest!

When you are looking for support, be sure you can define just what that support is. If you want to Live Your Life in spite of obstacles – find an organization that can help you reach your goals. If you want to be appreciated for the perfect human you are – find an organization that focuses on your strengths.

An assisted living arrangement should support your decisions. A full and satisfying life can only be defined by you. If that results in irregularities and imperfections, find an organization that will work through that. After all, isn’t that how you Live Your Life!

Best book of 2013: A Must Read!

Do you have aging parents?  Are you aging?  Do you care for people who are aging?  Katy Butler’s “Knocking on Heaven’s Door: The Path to a Better Way of Death” is a must read!  This memoir, which covers a grueling, eight-year caregiving journey, had me laughing, crying, and totally engaged.  It is the best book of 2013!

Katy Butler’s father suffered a stroke in 2001 which left him disabled but able to function in a limited capacity.  After rehabilitation, he returned to his Connecticut home and his wife of many years.  Katy’s long-distance caregiving relationship began as she stayed involved in her parents’ lives from her home in California and frequent trips across the country.  As Katy’s father’s condition declined, her mom’s caregiving journey was more “in-your-face”.   She was frustrated, overwhelmed and suffered depression as she watched her self-reliant husband disappear.  Katy’s story covers the complicated relationship between parents and children, the current state of medical care for those in the last years of their lives, a bit of Zen Buddhism, and the art of dying.  Her tale is both beautifully written and educational.  You will experience the heart-break and be up-lifted by the love in the Butler family story.

Every American over the age of forty must read this book.  Often material this important won’t hold your interest.  But Ms. Butler is able to weave the personal and the informational aspects so expertly you won’t be able to put the story down. You will learn how to talk with a dying person. You will learn questions to ask your doctor. You will learn about the last phases of life and notes on how to shepherd a parent, spouse or friend through those phases.  Truly – this is the most important book released in 2013.  You must get a copy, read it and pass it on!  In Katy Butler’s own words: “That way, when the time comes to say “Good-bye”, you are ready.”